Three People Die in
Time Ship 1 Launch
Post Manhattan Reporter
June 24, 2006
Tragedy struck JMG Tower Saturday as the launch of humanity's first time machine caused the death of three employees.
Time Ship 1 launched from P.F. Jones' personal rooftop helipad, which had its giant "J" painted over with a giant "C" for the occasion.
The pad, apparently not stratified for TS1's repulsor technology, was crushed and shot down two stories into the building.
The accident destroyed Chip Foxx's personal bathroom as well as IJI's new computer archives vault, killing Foxx's personal assistant, Ronald Dempsy, and two unidentified I.T. associates.
"The records lost were invaluable," said I.T. specialist Kiko Yamamoto. "They've lost all computer files for the Post. That's over a decade of stories."
Yamamoto says the data loss will likely make the newspaper's website look like it was launched in 2006 along with Chrone Osphere.
"Furthermore," continued Yamamoto, "we've lost data about the technology on Time Ship 1 which is irriplaceable. We're probably not going to be able to build another time machine."
The computer vault, which was designed by P.F. Jones himself, was completed two days before the launch.
"Everything was transferred from the IJI subsidiaries to the vault servers just in time to be demolished," said Yamamoto.
Other data lost in the accident included Quality Consumables recipes, IJI employee pension fund records and Jones' expense reports.
"We're deeply distraught over the loss of human life, too," said Martha Benson, human resources director.
"Do you know how hard it is to find Mr. Foxx an assistant who won't quit?"
